I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
