why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
