So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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