A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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