I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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