Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
