I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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