Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
