It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
