If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
