just tell him i said nine months
zippers are such a cool invention
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
