and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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