I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
