dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
