My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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