I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
