I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
