He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
