i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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