I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
