2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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