saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
