he wants to bone in the snuggie
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
