I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
