I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
