Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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