thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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