So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
