If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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