The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
