between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
