I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
