I am in a vortex of obligation.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
