My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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