My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
