The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
