New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
