on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
