meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
