I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Every concussion has its silver lining
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
