dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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