Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
