Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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