saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
being pregnant is like rehab
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
