we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
