I murdered the dance floor call the cops
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
