Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
