Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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