if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
