You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
