got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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