saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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